Every couple I see tends to underestimate the amount of influence their past has on their current relationship. I even see it in my relationship. And I also see how much pain and confusion past ‘stuff’ causes.
It makes sense that you would feel doubt and insecurity if a past partner had cheated on you. It makes sense that you would be quick to get angry with your partner if your family was super volatile when you were a kid. It makes sense that if you couldn’t do anything right as a kid you would feel blamed by your partner. And I could list a million more examples.
The problem with past stuff is that it’s unconscious. We don’t realise we’re reacting from it. We have no idea that we’re being triggered and more often than not, we blame our partner for making us feel crap.
Imagine how that goes down! I know it results in an argument or 500.
Imagine though, if you could be aware of your past ‘stuff’. Instead of tossing your toys, you would be able to turn to your partner and say “That triggered my ‘I’m not good enough’ stuff. I need a hug.” Fight averted. Couple lives happily ever after.
Ok. It’s not necessarily that easy but it could be.
I challenge you to think about the things you get triggered by. It will be a feeling or sentence or similar that comes up in just about every argument.
So for example I had a client who’s mother made it obvious she wasn’t wanted. Every argument with her husband brought up the feeling of being a burden and of not being wanted. With a bit of work in session with them both, he was able to comfort her when she felt like that and those feelings started to go away.
You can see from this that relationships have a huge potential to heal.
So discover your triggers and see if you can use your relationship to heal your past ‘stuff’.
If you need a little help, come see me 🙂